In response to fan complaints about the endings to its last couple of games, BioWare has decided to experiment with a new development tool that is sure to please each and every one of its fans, according to our source. The company will soon be posting a Kickstarter project that will allow fans to write their own endings to Dragon Age III. BioWare aims to earn at least two million dollars in order to monetarily support the work of personalizing game endings for each Kickstarter donator.
Various levels of Kickstarter support will purchase different levels of customization. $30 buys a generically customized ending, in which the player can note preferences for happy, tragic, or bittersweet endings, as well as choosing whether to keep some mysteries unsolved or be presented by a cutscene in which Varric delivers a Powerpoint presentation laying out the truth behind every detail in the game.
Deeper customization requires more Kickstarter support. For $100, the main character's party members will break the fourth wall and ask permission to proceed before any possibly painful scenes. Players who refuse permission will be allowed to go back and change previous choices, or if no positive outcome is possible, will be treated to several moments of soft jazz in place of the offending scene.
For $1000, BioWare artists will illustrate the player's own fanfic, which will be inserted as a slide show at the end of the game. This will allow players to write their own ending to the game either before they have played it, or after they've been disappointed by the available default endings.
For $5000, players will receive one complementary romance written for their character and almost anybody or anything in the game. "We're still not going to let you boink your sister, though," our source noted. "We don't care how hot you think she is. That's nasty."
Fans who donate $10,000 will receive a personal visit from David Gaider during launch week. Gaider will provide a comforting embrace and will murmur, "There, there. Everything will be all right," every time the fan's main character dies in battle.
BioWare sincerely hopes that this Kickstarter project will be fully funded, ensuring complete customer satisfaction for all players who are willing to pay for the privilege. We'll be sure to let our readers know as soon as the "Dragon Age III: YOU See How Difficult It Is To Write This Stuff, Then!" Kickstarter is live.