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Daria
05-02-2007, 10:43 PM
The summer of 1988, I was 4 years old and my family owned an Atari. The system was old and well loved by that time. In fact, I never knew the console in it's hey day when it must have sat proudly beside our living room TV. Delighting my parents on christmas morning as my brother would have sat amongst the wreckage of discarded wrappings racing between traffic and hoping over lily pads. I don't even know if I ever knew the system before that year, I can't remember when my brother set it up on his bedroom tv. It was just as if it had always been there.

To my mind the only game that existed for the system was Smurfs, although I realize now that we must have owned more. I would sit on my mom's old black college trunk at the foot of my brother's bed. Incidently, that trunk always had a rich sweet but spicy sent. Like stale Big Red Chewing gum (My brother and I had a habit until the day my dad caught us attaching the sticky wads to the bathroom ceiling. After that the substance would be forever banned from our home.) And while I played my brother would coach me on jumping over a river, which for me proved an impossible task.

My brother was also very fickle about when he'd let me up in his room to play. Which now I realize how annoying I must have been to a twelve year boy. He was practically a brooding teenager, and I was relentless in my stalking. I had even mastered the art of creeping silently up the stairs and unlocking his door with a penny.

And so came that unforgettable summer day of '88. My brother was playing BattleTech with his friends on the congrete patio table under the shade my mom's ginormous schefflera tree. It was a good day because I was allowed to watch. When my dad suddenly thrust open the sliding glass door that led into my brother's second story bedroom. "GRAEME!" Like a crazed lunatic he started shouting at us: "Fiddle with MY things?! How about I fiddle with YOUR shit!" and with that my father tossed our family Atari into the air and swung my brothers aluminum baseball bat. It stuck hard and shattered on the concrete as we all watched, mouths dropped in bewildered shock. Then came the long shower of busted cartridges as my father, one by one, batted them off the balcony.

exit
05-02-2007, 10:50 PM
Damn, what did your brother do to set off that rampage.

Vinnysdad
05-02-2007, 11:04 PM
Wow what the hell did your brother do?

Dire 51
05-02-2007, 11:07 PM
Thirded on wanting to know just what the hell your brother did.

Daria
05-02-2007, 11:10 PM
He broke the lock on one of the sliding glass doors. I don't know how he did it. He did some stupid thinsg sometimes, like the gum.

Dire 51
05-02-2007, 11:36 PM
He broke the lock on one of the sliding glass doors. I don't know how he did it. He did some stupid thinsg sometimes, like the gum.

That's IT?

Wow. Just wow.

RJ
05-03-2007, 09:07 PM
Sounds like Daddy could('ve?) used some anger-management.

It wasn't really even a "correct" response. "Fiddle w/ my things?" is same as breaking a door lock?

It'd really help if you went back & wrote what your brother did in the story.

RugalSizzler
05-04-2007, 09:58 AM
So Christopher Titus Father is your Father wow:cheers:


Still what did you fiddle with or was it one of those lets just blame it on Timmy moments.

PentiumMMX
05-04-2007, 10:21 AM
Wow...I'm glad my Dad isn't like that (If he was...let's just say his truck that's as old as he is (Used to belong to his dad before him) would be on eBay)

Chaz From Phantasy Star 2
05-20-2007, 05:59 AM
Don't worry. The Atari wasn't very good. It was too old.

PsychedelicShaman
05-25-2007, 05:21 PM
Don't worry. The Atari wasn't very good. It was too old.

I'm guessing he got banned for that statement. :)

Pantechnicon
05-25-2007, 05:28 PM
I'm guessing he got banned for that statement. :)

Having a negative opinion about the Atari 2600 is one thing. Trolling in the Lore forum is another matter entirely.

Ed Oscuro
05-26-2007, 05:55 AM
Having a negative opinion about the Atari 2600 is one thing. Trolling in the Lore forum is another matter entirely.
Haha, awesome.

I gotta say Chaz was never my favorite PSIV character.

I've also gotta say that the first post, as it stands, makes absolutely no sense until you read the rest of the thread. Formula:

1. Idyllic scene
2. Mysterious brother
3. Surprise Atari genocide!

...I'm going to guess that breaking a lock was somehow related to Playboy magazines.

Flack
05-26-2007, 07:37 AM
Here is some constructive criticism for this story.

The first three paragraphs should be combined into one. There are too many details that don't have anything to do with the story, so many that they confuse the reader. I thought it was going to be about gum, or your brother, or the relationship between you and your brother. While streamlining the story, lots of things should be cut out. I didn't even get the traffic and lily pad thing. And which one of you is named Graeme? A lot of this story doesn't make sense.

When you are writing a quick anecdote like this, you almost need to write it like a joke. From the very beginning you need to be directing the reader to the punch line. There's nothing that prepares the reader for your father's temper, he just kind of shows up in the middle of a meandering story and starts bashing things. I'm guessing this was not an isolated incident -- had you and your brother broken things of your dad's before, that led up to this?

I think if it were rewritten a bit it could be kind of humorous but the way it's presented right now it sounds a little scary and it sounds more like a story about child abuse than your memories of the Atari and/or your father, which is probably not what you intended. I think there's a good story in there but it needs a little focus. It also needs a happy ending. What does your father thing about the incident now? Did you ever get another Atari? The reader really needs a happy twist at the end, otherwise it just kind of reads like a story about "the time my dad went psycho and started destroying our Atari with a bat."

digitalpress
06-25-2007, 10:21 PM
Hm.

I'm sure Flack did this better, but I will add a few comments.

Daria, you know I love you, I will always love you. But this needs some serious re-arrangement, editing, and even spell-checking. I "get" the story but it's like the Sopranos finale: "that's how it ends?". So I'd recommend telling the same story but a different way, or with more detail at the end... your call.

Moo Cow
07-04-2007, 01:17 AM
Hm.

I'm sure Flack did this better, but I will add a few comments.

Daria, you know I love you, I will always love you. But this needs some serious re-arrangement, editing, and even spell-checking. I "get" the story but it's like the Sopranos finale: "that's how it ends?". So I'd recommend telling the same story but a different way, or with more detail at the end... your call.
He's MINE!
Recommendation: Cut out all of the superfluous details, replacing it with something to enhance the story. No gum or smells. Add in that he broke the lock. Then, have a friend read over it and ask him if he needs to know anything just to see if you wrapped up all the loose ends (preferably someone who didn't know you back then and wouldn't already know the whole situation). You could send it to me if you like - I went to school for creative writing and English is my best subject.
Best of luck.