Starcade
07-06-2003, 09:26 PM
This is some guys story about his times with Everquest..
This was a letter I wrote to someone I knew who played EQ who was having trouble in the game. This will give you one of my many stories about me, and what can happen to other people who play as well.
I spiced it up by adding some roleplay to it, so It would be a little amusing to litten up the mood.
Please tell me what you think.
Taliddar Lut'Gholien
Hall of Truth
Room 31, 2nd Floor
North Freeport, Antonica
AsaGrey@msn.net
Xionri@earthlink.net
Madie
Kelethin, Leaf district
Hut 243, 32nd Platform
Greater Faydark, Faydwer
Dear Friend,
Let me just tell you how happy I was to talk to you again, it really made my day. You were so upset over your In-game husband leaving you, and I know how its like. You were embarrassed and upset that you were crying…and let me tell you ..you are not the first, nor will be the last that have felt such pain from Everquest. Such relationships happen on EQ all the time, and not just on our server. The majority of EQ players are single men ranging from 17-25 and a good 50% would like to have some kind of female partner to hunt with, and some out of that group actively seek one. ( I have and see it happen all the time ) The problem is, there is only a small handful of real women ( single ) that play…and they are sought after and chased -constantly-. Most of the real women that play are around 27-55 and have a significant other in their life already. A good portion of the single women do find someone online, ( hunting partner ) and the relationship goes from there. So in other words, in a room of 100 people 80 are male ( 59 are single ) 20 female ( 9 single ). So you can see the proportions and the bottle neck it can be. As you probably know, its tough being a woman in EQ, with all the men chasing women like they are the last pieces of meat on earth. For me, I somewhat pursue women, the only reason is because they are normally more friendly and conversation oriented, unlike most males who just want to play and get uber. What I want most out of EQ is a good friend, a true friend.. And I would think a woman would be better for that.. But it is so difficult, all the competition. The whole relationship in EQ is such a new paradox- its relatively unstudied ( very difficult ) and distorts reality and fantasy, and the in-game relationship often gets OOC and that leads to problems…( such as yours) The relationships in EQ are real…not fake like the game. Real Feelings are made in a fantasy world, and the line between the characters and the players blurs, so the people end up falling for each other and not the characters.
A long time ago, about a year and half I ( Taliddar ) ran into a small wood elf ranger by the name of Jakara. I was 49 at the time, and she was 16, but regardless, we clicked after we started talking a bit, and soon we met again in West Commons. We were just chatting about a little nothing or whatever, then I went LD. Now, when I go LD, most people I talk to simply leave when I do, but this time, I went LD for 45 minutes, but when I came back she was -still- there. From that time on, we were practically inseparable, and would be close for the next year.
Time went on, and we grew closer and closer. The main problem ( soon to be fatal to the relationship ) was our level difference. She was 17...and I was 49 ( soon to be 50 ). I was busy trying to catch up to the first generation of Tunare players ( the generation I belonged too ) because I had to leave EQ numerous times due to financial and educational problems. The first time I left, she thought I quit, and went off and found another man, and when I returned and caught them, she was flustered a bit. I found out then that she is fiercely loyal to those she likes, and a snake to those she doesn’t, or ex’s. Needless to say I felt bad after that, and left her with her new guy.
Its wasn’t all role-play. People don’t role play, they are simply themselves in a fantasy world with a “perfect” character representing them instead of their body. The character isn’t different from the real person, they are one in the same. This is were most people make their fatal mistake. Everquest was “designed” to be a role playing game, but the developers knew, that the game couldn’t support role-playing in anyway. The game was designed to be a graphical chat room with little quests to solve and monsters to kill while raising your character with power and loot. That’s all. The zones? Chat rooms. There is no true “world” like in other MMPORPGS’s, were you could run from one city to the next, and truly transverse a land, not just a shoe box of a land.
It can be a bit difficult to role-play a dungeon crawl when you have to sit and camp a static monster( s) for hours on end to advance your character. Its difficult to role-play when you have to shout or OOC 59 Paladin looking for a group. Its difficult to be forced to join people to work on gaining experience points by killing static monster after static monster. Everquest wasn’t, or will ever be a true Roleplaying game, its only meant to be one huge pretty chat room. People have tried to role-play, but once they see how hard and pointless it is, they just give up. There are few true role-players left, and even their ranks are thinning out. The growing mass is the uber guild want-to-be’ s that seek to kill the biggest and baddest thing, in the hardest zone and get the best loot.
Back to my story, I ended up running into someone else who had been cheated on with another woman and was hurting like I was. ( I remember her saying she was crying ) We talked, and shared our pain and experiences and quickly became what you would call a couple. She was a very popular and sought after person, a “model” wife you could say. I was on the top of the world at this time, you could say I had bragging rights, and not a worry in the world. Soon though, my ex-Jakara came back, apologizing for what she had done, and asking me to forgive her and to be a couple again. Me being the young, relationship -inexperienced person I was took her back, knowing I was still involved with my other woman, Songbear. Well I didn’t know my ex and I were being spied on by someone who told Songbear what he saw and that crushed her. The next day I get a tell that she knew what I did, and a few people told her that they saw me and Jakara together and that she was breaking up with me. She also said she was planning on asking me to marry her the next day, so that made me feel even worst. This was when I started taking out my pain on Jakara, slowly and surely it helped kill the relationship. I would go days without speaking to her, or giving her real vague or cruel remarks. Little did I know, this was tearing the real person up on the other side, often to the point of crying daily. A few times I apologized, and we made up real well. During the middle of the relationships we started going OOC more often, talking in Emails and ICQ for hours. We clicked further then, as we shared many beliefs. It turns out she was quite older than I was…52, but I still feel in love with her anyway, and her me. My personality is the culprit here, as 97% of the people I met wither online or not think I am atleast 27, if not much older.
I tend to attract older women, and repel younger women…I represent the stability and maturity that a woman wants in a man to marry, not a man that a young woman wants to fool around with.
So the relationship continued to blossom, this was around month 7 of us knowing each other. We were discussing meeting, but the plans were a bit vague. At this time I was having more money problems and told her that I would not be able to keep playing or have internet access, she hated the idea of that and gave me her CC number to use to purchase online access and to get a new EQ subscription. I just fell head over heals for her then, to think she was enabling me to stay online, because she would pay for it.
The relationship just started going down hill from there. The level distance was keeping us “apart” and eating away at our intimacy. We talked less and less, and when we did, it was me complaining about stuff. She didn’t care, and supported me 110% no matter what, and that’s what made me melt for her so much.
IRL I was suffering from one of the worst mistakes of my life. I had asked to be switched to a different school “a magnet “ school supposedly made for the smartest students. Turns out it was the opposite, and I was miserable. I couldn’t see any of my friends because they went to a different school, and I didn’t have a car. So I ended up secluding myself into my room and EQ was the only social interaction I had. I made a lot of posts on the EZ boards about rather stupid subjects and got the @#%$ flamed out of me for doing so. I started chasing many women online, ( many of whom didn’t want to be chased ) and asking for their emails. That already got rumors going that I was a stalker, and I started sending poems that I didn’t read to the women, and the poems ended up being very sexual in nature. So now I was rumored to a perverted sexual stalker, and the posts I made on the boards only made the situation worst. I ended up chasing a cleric in Krieger ( Currently Vae Inimicus ) who eventually started dating later marrying, a powerful officer in Krieger. Well, we told me to leave her alone and to not pursue her again, and I agree’ed, but he didn’t say I couldn’t talk to her. So I asked for her email the next day and got cussed out by the man (Khrolan) about talking to his girl (Morniel) and put me on ignore without having the chance to defend myself. Turns out they were telling one another what I said to them, which killed me because I thought I deserved a little bit of privacy. She told me that a couple hides nothing from one other, so I felt like I was stabbed in the gut and back at the same time. Sad thing is, that before she met him, she was the sweetest person ever, and role-played to boot. She was higher than me, so I could group with her, and loved medieval things. A dream girl. The guy insulted me with RL comments that almost made me punch out the monitor, because He didn’t know me, or I him, so how in the hell could he talk about what I am, or what I don’t have? He ended up calling me a little sideways @#%$ and to look in the mirror and see what kind of sad fool I was for chasing women on EQ and trying to get them in RL as well. The woman ended up calling me a lair, and told me she never wanted to hear from me again, and put me on ignore.
I was crushed beyond belief. This is were I almost committed suicide.
My Life was horrible. I was miserable, this game, was the only joy and pleasure I got out of life, and now, it tore me to pieces. What I didn’t realize, was that it wasn’t a game. The relationships and people are REAL. The effects of what you say can effect a person, as well as what you do.
I ended up going back into my hole and torturing myself more ( mentally ) and causing my love online much pain. I tried to find out who told all the lies about me being a stalker, but could never find anyone who would cough up the name , since all the women were in the same little anti-Taliddar cult. To this day, I never found out who lied, and I never got the chance to tell my end of the story. That haunts me to this day, and it still makes my blood boil, and makes me lust for revenge and to torture them.
Though I have forgiven all of them, I still try to seek and spread the truth about what -really- happened, but I have been unsuccessful thus far. I am trying to get into the Vae guild so I can tell them, but I have to be 60 with 6aa points for that, and that goal is far away..
Well, because of the pain, I ended up quitting EQ for around 3 months. I told my love about where I was going and she said it was okay, and that she would take care of Taliddar for me. I leave, find some peace, and come back, and everything was still somewhat okay. My love was in a new guild and was 47, and was delighted to see me back. She had stayed single the whole time, waiting for my return. When I got back, I was trying to find my place in the world again, and pushed her away for a little bit. Well, it turns out there was someone after her, and started pulling her away from me. She gave me a warning that if I wanted her back, I would have to win her back, but I blew it off as a joke. She wasn’t joking, and when I wanted to talk to her intimately she pushed me away and said no, I cant. I was confused, and asked her why, and she told me no, I belong to someone else.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading, my love for almost a year had found someone else right under my nose? I thought It was a bad dream. I asked her “are you serious“? And the following conversation tore my heart to ribbons. I was in tears by the time she was done, and I couldn’t hardly type. My heart ached, and I fought to hide the tears but I couldn’t, logged went to my restroom, took a shower and cried hard for the first time since I was a child. I looked in the mirror and just didn’t believe what I was seeing. Crying over a damn Game? A stupid one in fact? Incredible!
I went to the kitchen a grabbed a butcher knife. I looked at my wrists, and I began to ponder. I said, I cant really feel too much worst with slashed wrists then I do now. Except the pain will be over soon…and I wont have to feel bad like this ever again. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in my life.
I begged and pleaded with her to take me back, give me a second chance, but she constantly refused. I send her email after email, some ranging into 7 pages, explain all we been through, what I was going through, begging her to give me one more chance, like the chance I gave her when she left me. She said no. I asked her why, and she told me she was so much happier with the person she was with. She told me he would spend large amounts of time with “ as in the same zone “ with her, regardless of his situation, and would never go to a raid unless she was invited too. She said she wasn’t in pain anymore, and they she was happy, for the first time in a long time. I was choking. I told her, you cant give me one more chance, after we been together for so long? She said that she had been giving me chances all through out the time. She was tempted to leave on many occasions, but didn’t, and stayed to support me when I was at my lowest. After all I did to her, after around 6 months of heartache on both sides, she had to end it. She did, found a real man, and moved on, and she told me to do the same. Don’t be so sad, but learn from it, find someone else, and treat her like I did for her ( my ex ) during the first 4 months of our relationship- when it was bliss. She said you didn’t know all the ins and outs of a real relationship, and that wasn’t your fault, just learn from what you did, apply it to you, and grow. That was some of the best advice I got in my life, but oh, at a horrible price. She said that she and her new man would help in anyway they could, ranging from hunting with them, to giving advice on relationships. Now, I wish I took their advice, but then, I almost spit at the monitor.
An old saying goes, Experience is one of life’s hardest teachers. First she gives the test, then the lesson afterwards.
That applies to what I went through, and It was a very important lesson.
I hurt for months after, every time I would log into EQ, they would be there, together. Rarely would they ever be apart, and that made me so green with envy that I could blend perfectly into a rainforest. Then he asked her to marry him and one of my favorite places I lived in…the plane of fear. Of course she said yes, and their was a celebration that was rather big. I almost vomited when I saw the screen shot she sent me of him asking her for marriage.
Her daughter warned me that If I were to go to her wedding, to do nothing. She told me, that she was happy atleast in EQ now, and NOT to ruin it for her. “She has moved on, I’m sorry, but you need to move on too. She isn’t yours anymore, and their wasn’t anything tangible out of your relationship anyway”. I mumbled under my breath that there was something tangible, you don’t have to see or touch someone to love them. So I agreed not to do anything to ruin the wedding but to wish the couple the best of luck. She said alright, and I apologized to her for causing her mother so much pain. Later I found out she read one of the letters I wrote her mother, and she hated me ever since. I never trusted her mother again, though I still had a huge soft spot for her.
So now it is almost a year later. My ex doesn’t play her main character, a 60 ranger anymore, but a 60 cleric. I heard something about her in-game husband’s account ( 60 cleric ) being hacked into and being cleaned of everything. Wither he quit or switched characters I don’t know. I don’t know If they are still together, through Email, or through secret alternate characters, or anything. Guess it isn’t my business to know.
I did find out that they were OOC a lot, and I knew they knew each other in RL as well, turns out she had access to his account one day, further pain in my soul.
She still plays actively, and is quite uber. She has several alts 40+ and has a myriad of in-game friends. I try to talk to her still, just to be respectful and friendly, but she either blows me off, or tells me she is too busy with a raid or grouping with guild /friends. (94% of the time) I tread very carefully, trying not to bring back any hints of the past.
So, my friend, you are NOT alone when It comes to things like this, this is my story, but there are MANY other people who go through the pains of the in-game relationship all the time. But many like to keep is bottled up, thinking they are alone, and its just a game, but like I said, it isn’t just a game anymore.
Madie, if you EVER need anything, know that I am hear for you, and I will be delighted to help and give advice in anyway I can. I am thinking about starting a group for people who go through hard times in EQ relationships, it is a problem, and people shouldn’t have to be alone through it. It can be life devastating….
Let me know if you have any questions, and I will be happy to answer them. Lets get through this together. I also would like to know what you are going through, please.
Keep smiling girl, you are beautiful and you shouldn’t let this bring you down in anyway J
Sincerely,
Taliddar Lut'Gholien
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