Duke Nukem Forever...feels like it

[riderpool]

You know...I hate doing it in the same year. Let alone twice. But once again I am doing a review a review without finishing the game and for good reason.

You see, for some reason even I cannot understand. Certain things are so boring they can put me to sleep. The Twilight films for example. Now this will not turn into a rant against them, I can understand that the books might appeal to some, I even read the graphic novel and found it decent, but the movie just bored me to the point my head started hurting.

I state this since Duke Nukem Forever feels like I am playing it forever. In fact the only reason I am writing this review is cause the game dropped in price down to 20 dollars on amazon for pc (16 for digital version) and I am here to say this to you...the millions...OK 10s of people reading this.

Don't.

Do not buy this game. This is bad. This is lower than Calling. I never thought I would say that ANY game was lower than Calling. I would rather play Final Fantasy XIII, I would rather play Saw. Fuck, I would rather be playing Calling...Dear god when a game sucks enough for me to want to be playing a game like Calling.

There are many reasons why this blows chunks. First let me get to one of the biggest reasons why this sucks.

This game took over 13 years to make...Lets look at games that finished in its dev time

The first halo trilogy

The Call of Duty WW2 tour

3 main Final Fantasy games

The Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Harry Potter book series!

Do you realize how sad it is that so many things finished in the same dev time? At that point I had my hopes so low that I hoped something good would happen. Well its almost a full page in and I have not even got into the game itself. First off the graphics look...shit. Not bad, not good. Shit. With a game that had a long dev time I thought the game would look ok.

The fact that even the girls make anime characters look realistic makes me realize I could have DL'ed bible black and got a better girl. The water effects however do look ok, as it does have a nice shine to it. The level design reminds me that I should go play Rainbow Six or Call of Duty to get better level designs. You know what had great level designs? Halo Reach. You know what I want to play right now?

HALO REACH!!!

The sound design also annoys me. The music is generic sounding and if one more person praises Duke Nukem I will personally castrate them. Male or female I just dun care at this point, I will castrate you or rip your uterus out so your stupid children do not flood the planet. I would say the weapons sound ok but they do not! They sound annoying with the pistol and shotgun being the only guns that sounding decent and not as annoying with the ripper making my ears bleed.

The gameplay...ugh. This is where my boredom really starts. I never thought you could fall asleep playing a game. The reticle is too small and the aim is off for many weapons. There are no options to change the reticle which makes me want to break the game disc. Be lucky your a rental. The driving control is broken and makes me want to play jet moto. Now your saying to yourself, hey Duke Nukem got humor so its got to be good right?

...Go to the corner, NOW!!!

The humor is fucking moronic. I enjoy humor, I even enjoy stupid humor. So lets look at 3 moments I noticed that were 'funny'

1.Duke sees some SPARTAN Mk 6 armor and says that power armor is for pussies (Let's remember in the time of DNF development 6 halo games came out on Xbox and Xbox 360.)

2.This is a double header. There is a pair of twins called mary and kate holsom...do I need to to tell you the joke? I think any pervert waiting for their 18th birthday knows the joke. The second part involves a guy yelling at a person on the set of a talk show and saying he is unprofessional...dear god.

3.They make fun of Dom in Gears of War...I'm no mans man but you do NOT MAKE FUN OF A GUY WITH A GUN THAT HAS A CHAINSAW!!! Also, do not insult Gears of War.

These are not funny. Psychonauts is funny. Shadows of the Damned is funny. This?

This is immature. Duke Nukem may be the most recent game I have reviewed but this is also the worse game I have seen in 2011 and might end up on my worst of 2011 list.

Rating:Avoid...or I will kill you

All iWant
David Phillips

Contact me if you dare
Skype: riderpool
XBL: RiderkidDA
Raptr: Riderpool
Email: gamefanstv@yahoo.com

Follow me on Twitter
S_Recon_Rider

Go here for pie.
WWW.MOD5569.COM

[Lothars]

Rating:Avoid...or I will kill you


Meh i've enjoyed the game for what it is, It's nothing special but it's not a bad game, heck the main thing I take issue in your post is that you listed FFXIII which is a great game.

[riderpool]

Meh i've enjoyed the game for what it is, It's nothing special but it's not a bad game, heck the main thing I take issue in your post is that you listed FFXIII which is a great game.

well i had problems with XIII and did a review for that oen as well.

[ProgrammingAce]

I had a lot of fun with this game, it's exactly what I expected from a Duke Nukem game.

Your review, on the other hand, seems childish.

[kupomogli]

Everyone already knows what this link is, but yeah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IE3KdcTgrno

[Drath]

I don't know if that's a review per-say, I think it's more analogous to just complaining on a forum. This is backed up by poor grammar, using ad hominems/personal threats to make points, and overuse of comparing both literature and other games to "prove" this game is bad. I know you are probably trying to make your review less boring, but I think written reviews need to be serious if you expect your readers to take you seriously.

The humor was lame, but you don't need to compare it to anything else to make your point. You don't even need to cite examples, just explain it simply: using old internet references and rehashes of old Duke Nukem phrases does not equal humor.

Also, the game didn't take 13 years to make. If you read it up on it, the game you are playing now was more like 3 years from start to finish.

[exit]

I loved the part where it wasn't a review at all.

[Gameguy]

It's like some sort of AVGN fan fiction, made in the same quality as most fan fiction pieces.

[buzz_n64]

i loved the part where it wasn't a review at all.

A winner is you!

[kupomogli]

This game took over 13 years to make...Lets look at games that finished in its dev time

3 main Final Fantasy games

Like someone else already said, it didn't take 13 years to make. Every time they an engine created and most of the game already completed, they scrapped it to port the game over with a newer graphics engine, or modify the gameplay a bit, or whatever. Gear Box took the latest revision, finished it up, and ported it over to the PS3 and 360. With the console load times, the PC version is the one to get.

As for the amount of Final Fantasy games released during the time frame. It was announced in April 2007. Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14 were released before that of Duke Nukem Forever. So eight main titles, but Anthology, Chronicles, Origins, FF4 Advance, FF5 Advance, FF6 Advance, Dawn of Souls, FF3 DS, FF4 DS, FF Anniversary, and FF2 Anniversary are ports and remakes of main games that were also released prior to DNF. So technically, the entire Final Fantasy series has been released in the span of time it's taken to release DNF.

[Emuaust]

What a dick, shouldn't threating to kill people get a smack on the fingers?

[portnoyd]

I had a lot of fun with this game, it's exactly what I expected from a Duke Nukem game.

Your review, on the other hand, seems childish.

A gallon of this.

Very childish. How old are you, 10?

[Icarus Moonsight]

Now I know who to PM when Holo-Duke says he's all out of ass!

[ReaXan]

LazyGamer from this forum reviewed it and it seems ok to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_EESRrn-Ck

[badinsults]

Looks like an avenue to spam all your WEB 2.0 shit. Look, we don't care about your twitter accounts, email or website.

[portnoyd]

Holy shit, I just clicked the site link at the end of his review. That could be the ugliest fucking site I've ever seen. It's like you took an auto forum building software and bashed your head against the keyboard for a few minutes.

[dgdgagdae]

What a dick, shouldn't threating to kill people get a smack on the fingers?

I was more disgusted by the threat to rip out someone's uterus. What in the world is wrong with people?

[Robocop2]

Eh I had fun with the game and Duke's bombastic personality is what makes Duke Duke. And I chuckled at the power armor comment.

I don't really expect every game to be a masterpiece; I expect them to be fun and if they are reasonably fun and I enjoy playing them (which is the primary purpose of a game) I say its a success.
....besides; power armor really is for pussies.

[Lady Jaye]

I went to see the website linked in the OP... Here are two of the forum rules:


12.) Posting in the wrong section. (1 Day Ban)*
14.) Bumping old threads (1 month or older) (3 Day Ban)*

Wow, just wow. Those forum rules are harsh, aren't they? Regarding the custom signature service: is there an extra fee for good grammar and typing?

[Kitsune Sniper]

Thanks for posting this, now I know how not to review stuff.

[BlastProcessing402]

I was more disgusted by the threat to rip out someone's uterus. What in the world is wrong with people?

Really? I thought it was hysterical. :wink 2:

DNF is garbage, though. I rented it for free and felt ripped off. Somewhere DN3D is rolling in its grave.

[riderpool]

Really? I thought it was hysterical. :wink 2:

DNF is garbage, though. I rented it for free and felt ripped off. Somewhere DN3D is rolling in its grave.

ok, i need to explain this cause i just noticed it. I did not mean the people in real life...I mean the in game people.

[SparTonberry]

11.) No outside download links/Videos with download links (7 Day Ban)**
Wow, and I thought Nintendo ran the only forum in the world that wouldn't allow outside links. :P

[Oobgarm]

Fuck shit Shit fucking pussies

This is what I gleaned from this review.

[dgdgagdae]

ok, i need to explain this cause i just noticed it. I did not mean the people in real life...I mean the in game people.

"The sound design also annoys me. The music is generic sounding and if one more person praises Duke Nukem I will personally castrate them. Male or female I just dun care at this point, I will castrate you or rip your uterus out so your stupid children do not flood the planet."

So, if an in game character likes the music, you'll rip out her uterus? Either I can't read, or you can't communicate clearly. I think I'll go with the latter.

[portnoyd]

The guy is borderline retarded. Judging by his response, there really is no point in arguing the points of his 'review' anymore.

[exit]

Looked at the website out of pure boredom, it's comedic gold.


Custom Build Sigs for Sale

Here we build custom signatures for are members to use in are forums and other forums

And judging from his own rules on the forum, he should be banned, since it seems you can get banned for almost anything except an oversize signature.

[LaughingMAN.S9]

duke was a solid 7 to me, a really good rental, it was funny mannnn, if u just wanted a mindless shooter with occasional dick jokes and epic boss battles, this game is perfect, was it worth the full 60 at retail??? FUCKKKKKKKK NOOOOOO



also, shadows of the damned, while a great game, fucking sucks cock in the humor department, that game wasnt really funny for shit



edit: also i didnt go into duke with nostalgia goggles on, i was never a fan of the series and the only other duke game i had ever played before this was duke nukem time to kill on ps1 which i fucking hated with a 1000 passions!


double edit: ffxiii sucks

[LaughingMAN.S9]

I was more disgusted by the threat to rip out someone's uterus. What in the world is wrong with people?




So, if an in game character likes the music, you'll rip out her uterus? Either I can't read, or you can't communicate clearly. I think I'll go with the latter.


fucking uterus loving hippies....

[The 1 2 P]

Right now Duke Nukem Forever has been lowered to $30 at Best Buy, Target and most other retailers. I was going to pick it up but it's still about $35 overpriced.

[portnoyd]

The LE for PC is $30 on Amazon. Totally worth it.

[skaar]

Troll thread is winning.

[riderpool]

ok, I do not own the site ok?

God its the site i usually posted at.

You have a prob with that site then bring it up with the sites owner, ok?

also ok, this sucked alot. This is what happens when im bored and mad at a game. I can be constructive at a game if its bad but sadly when it came to DNF I felt betrayed.

I am sorry if whatever standard i had was broken and this was a terrible review. I hope in the future i can write better reviews and previews.

[CelticJobber]

I liked DNF. It's exactly what I would expect from a Duke Nukem game.

I've never been a fan of FPS titles -- (actually, it's one of my least favorite genres aside from early efforts like Doom and the original Duke 3D) but Duke Nukem Forever was quite enjoyable.

Maybe it's not worth the full original retail price, but it's worth a rental or wait until the price drops to $20.00 or so.

[portnoyd]

ok, I do not own the site ok?

God its the site i usually posted at.

You have a prob with that site then bring it up with the sites owner, ok?

You're a moderator. Close enough.

[Flack]

You know...I hate doing it in the same year. Let alone twice. But once again I am doing a review a review without finishing the game and for good reason.

You see, for some reason even I cannot understand. Certain things are so boring they can put me to sleep. The Twilight films for example. Now this will not turn into a rant against them, I can understand that the books might appeal to some, I even read the graphic novel and found it decent, but the movie just bored me to the point my head started hurting.

I state this since Duke Nukem Forever feels like I am playing it forever. In fact the only reason I am writing this review is cause the game dropped in price down to 20 dollars on amazon for pc (16 for digital version) and I am here to say this to you...the millions...OK 10s of people reading this.

Don't.

Do not buy this game. This is bad. This is lower than Calling. I never thought I would say that ANY game was lower than Calling. I would rather play Final Fantasy XIII, I would rather play Saw. Fuck, I would rather be playing Calling...Dear god when a game sucks enough for me to want to be playing a game like Calling.

There are many reasons why this blows chunks. First let me get to one of the biggest reasons why this sucks.

This game took over 13 years to make...Lets look at games that finished in its dev time

The first halo trilogy

The Call of Duty WW2 tour

3 main Final Fantasy games

The Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Harry Potter book series!

Do you realize how sad it is that so many things finished in the same dev time? At that point I had my hopes so low that I hoped something good would happen. Well its almost a full page in and I have not even got into the game itself. First off the graphics look...shit. Not bad, not good. Shit. With a game that had a long dev time I thought the game would look ok.

The fact that even the girls make anime characters look realistic makes me realize I could have DL'ed bible black and got a better girl. The water effects however do look ok, as it does have a nice shine to it. The level design reminds me that I should go play Rainbow Six or Call of Duty to get better level designs. You know what had great level designs? Halo Reach. You know what I want to play right now?

HALO REACH!!!

The sound design also annoys me. The music is generic sounding and if one more person praises Duke Nukem I will personally castrate them. Male or female I just dun care at this point, I will castrate you or rip your uterus out so your stupid children do not flood the planet. I would say the weapons sound ok but they do not! They sound annoying with the pistol and shotgun being the only guns that sounding decent and not as annoying with the ripper making my ears bleed.

The gameplay...ugh. This is where my boredom really starts. I never thought you could fall asleep playing a game. The reticle is too small and the aim is off for many weapons. There are no options to change the reticle which makes me want to break the game disc. Be lucky your a rental. The driving control is broken and makes me want to play jet moto. Now your saying to yourself, hey Duke Nukem got humor so its got to be good right?

...Go to the corner, NOW!!!

The humor is fucking moronic. I enjoy humor, I even enjoy stupid humor. So lets look at 3 moments I noticed that were 'funny'

1.Duke sees some SPARTAN Mk 6 armor and says that power armor is for pussies (Let's remember in the time of DNF development 6 halo games came out on Xbox and Xbox 360.)

2.This is a double header. There is a pair of twins called mary and kate holsom...do I need to to tell you the joke? I think any pervert waiting for their 18th birthday knows the joke. The second part involves a guy yelling at a person on the set of a talk show and saying he is unprofessional...dear god.

3.They make fun of Dom in Gears of War...I'm no mans man but you do NOT MAKE FUN OF A GUY WITH A GUN THAT HAS A CHAINSAW!!! Also, do not insult Gears of War.

These are not funny. Psychonauts is funny. Shadows of the Damned is funny. This?

This is immature. Duke Nukem may be the most recent game I have reviewed but this is also the worse game I have seen in 2011 and might end up on my worst of 2011 list.

Rating:Avoid...or I will kill you

All iWant
David Phillips

Contact me if you dare
Skype: riderpool
XBL: RiderkidDA
Raptr: Riderpool
Email: gamefanstv@yahoo.com

Follow me on Twitter
S_Recon_Rider

Go here for pie.
WWW.MOD5569.COM

Don't listen to their shit. That was a great review -- keep 'em coming!

[riderpool]

Don't listen to their shit. That was a great review -- keep 'em coming!

well batman should be here on monday...the review i mean

[The Shawn]

I'm Batman!

[AceAerosmith]

Uterus.

[Buyatari]

I played the game and I was happy. I got my achievement for the turd grenade.

[dgdgagdae]

I am sorry if whatever standard i had was broken and this was a terrible review. I hope in the future i can write better reviews and previews.

Wait, you have standards? Or...a standard? I missed that somewhere.