Worst 20 ColecoVision Games!

[Aswald]

Sad but true...for every Steamroller, Lord of the Dungeon, Spy Hunter, and Fortune Builder, you have a couple of Slurpys, Time Pilots, and other duds that would embarrass a malfunctioning RCA Studio 2.

So- what do you think should be on this list?

I'd start with Subroc, Atarisoft Defender, Slurpy, Evolution, and Star Wars.

[Arcade Antics]

It's Only Rock and Roll immediately comes to mind as deserving to be on a "worst of" list.

[Aswald]

Oh, wait, there is one requirement: any game mentioned must be available on cartridge for the ColecoVision itself.

From what I've heard, It's Only Rock and Roll is a real dud. Sort of what "Island of Foxes" had better NOT be, if I don't want folks here chasing me with torches and nooses...

[Zaxxon]

Time Pilot isn't a bad game. How about Dance Fantasy? G-g-g-gay!

[Tempest]

Any of the edutainment games belong on the list:

Facemaker
Brain Strainers
Telly Turtle
Dance Fantasy (maybe if I was an 8 year old girl this would be better)

And some other duds:

Gut Buster
It's only Rock and Roll (not horrible, but not great)
Tomarc
Motorcross Racer
Chuck Norris

Sensing a pattern here?

Tempest

[Zaxxon]

Here's a bunch of worth candidates:

Super Crossforce (Super Shitforce is more like it)
Threshold (yawn)
Alphabet Zoo
Beamrider
Brainstrainers
Cabbage Patch Kids Picture
Choplifter! (FUN, for 5 seconds)
Cosmic Crisis (same as the terrible SPace PAnic)
Dam Busters (has anyone ever completed this game)
Dance Fantasy
Dr. Seuss
Dragonfire
Flipper Slipper
Facemaker
Fraction Fever
It's Only Rock 'n' Roll
Learning with Leeper
Linking Logic
Logic Levels
Memory Manor
One-On-One
Sector Alpha
Slurpy
Space Panic
Spectron
Tutankham (worst scrolling on the CV EVER!)
Wiz Math
Word Feud

[Arcade Antics]

I don't think Dragonfire and Space Panic belong in a "worst of" CV list, as both games are quite well done on the CV. In fact, Space Panic is excellent, though you might well hate the original game in this case.

When I hear "worst of," I picture total crap. You know, like 2600 Sssnake. Stuff that just doesn't work no matter HOW you try to look at it. :)

[Cafeman]

I was surprised to see Space Panic on that list, too. It is one of my most-played CV games, for some reason. I think it's a lot of fun, very very "early 80's" in feel, if you catch my drift.

[Zaxxon]

Space Panic has ok graphics and very cool sound effects(the squishy rubber boots sound) and music but the game just is devoid of fun IMO. It's just tedious and slow running aroung filling holes. The only fun I've had with the game is killing all the monsters but one and then climbing to the top of the tallest ladder and letting my astronaut run out of air, turn blue and then slide all the way down the ladder.

[Zaxxon]

Dragonfire may be well done compared to other systems, but fun? Never seemed like any fun to me.

[Arcade Antics]

Space Panic has ok graphics and very cool sound effects(the squishy rubber boots sound) and music but the game just is devoid of fun IMO. It's just tedious and slow running aroung filling holes. The only fun I've had with the game is killing all the monsters but one and then climbing to the top of the tallest ladder and letting my astronaut run out of air, turn blue and then slide all the way down the ladder.

But, that's what I'm getting at. You don't like the game yet you still find fun things in the game, things to appreciate. A "worst of" game shouldn't have any of those things. 2600 Mythicon games, to use a well known example, have not one single shred of anything decent in them. They're barely even games.


Dragonfire may be well done compared to other systems, but fun? Never seemed like any fun to me.

But to some gamers, Pac-Man isn't fun. You'd never see Pac-Man on a "worst of" list though. ;)

[Keir]

Super Crossforce?!?! That game is great! Ah well.

I would agree that Space Panic isn't very much fun, but I think it had a lot of potential. It's just too slow in my opinion. Even so, it definitely doesn't deserve to be on a "worst of" list.

[wberdan]

these are all games i refuse to play..i actually dont think 'its only rock and roll' is as shitty as these ones..
there is almost no gameplay to any of these... probably the strongest 3 are motocross racer, tomarc, and cosmic crisis...


dance fantasy
facemaker
fraction fever
linking logic
logic levels
alphabet zoo
cabbage patch picture show
cosmic crisis
brain strainers
learning with leeper
motocross racer
tomarc the barbarian
skiing
sammy lightfoot
smurf pain & play
strike it
telly turtle
wiz math
word fued
tournament tennis

[Zaxxon]

But, that's what I'm getting at. You don't like the game yet you still find fun things in the game, things to appreciate. A "worst of" game shouldn't have any of those things. 2600 Mythicon games, to use a well known example, have not one single shred of anything decent in them. They're barely even games.



But there aren't games that shitty in the CV library. You have to go to the 2600 to find stuff that bad.

[Arcade Antics]

But there aren't games that shitty in the CV library...
Possibly... the jury is still out on that one. ;)


You have to go to the 2600 to find stuff that bad.
Actually, you can go to pretty much any platform's library and find stuff that bad. Sad but true. :)

[ManekiNeko]

Let me add my own two cents here...

Amazing Bumpman: Uh, I don't get it. I doubt anyone did.

Blockade Runner: Take Star Raiders. Take out the fun and smooth graphics. There you go.

Brain Strainers: Your brain will be straining just trying to figure this one out. These edumacational games desperately need online instructions.

Buck Rogers: Planet of Zoom: Forget Zoom... the graphics look as though they were drawn by citizens of the Planet of the Apes.

Chuck Norris: Superkicks: It's worse than the 2600 version. Hell, it's even worse than Chuck Norris' television show, and that's WITH Chuck singing the theme song!

The Dam Busters: Who 'ya gonna call? Not this.

Dance Fantasy: Looks ridiculous in comparison to Dance Dance Revolution, or even Dance Dance Karnov.

Fraction Fever: I've got the fever for... putting in a different game.

Gust Buster: Shame on Joe for not giving this a minus in the latest price guide! If you're expecting a game like Balloon Kid on the GameBoy, you got another thing coming.

It's Only Rock 'n Roll: Horror of horrors, there's actually a sequel of this on the Amiga computer called "Rock Star Ate My Hamster". Fortunately, that's got more charm and funny celebrity charicatures (if not much else).

Ken Uston Blackjack and Poker: Ken's life must have hit rock bottom when he stamped his name on this extremely limited poker sim. I guess his only other option for earning money at this point was sucking coins from the love tester machine at his local bar...

Learning with Leeper: Sounds like a horrible sitcom. Sadly, it's worse than that... it's a horrible video game. You have to interact with it, or the creepy eyeball in green stockings will get you.

Memory Manor: I don't remember much of this at all. It's probably for the best.

Motocross Racer: All the excitement of motocross racing... at the exact moment you fall off your bike and land face first into a puddle of mud!

One on One with Dr. J and Larry Bird: Looks more like One on One with Roseanne Barr and Dom DeLuise to me. I don't even want to know what the halftime show looks like.

Rolloverture: Roll, roll, roll your game, gently off a cliff! This misconceived platformer makes even Donkey Kong look like a ColecoVision fan's dream come true by comparison.

Sammy Lightfoot: If Conan O'Brien and Elvis had a child, he'd commit suicide before being subjected to this little carnival of horrors. Move over, Bubsy... this is one of the most unforgiving platformers ever!

Sector Alpha: If this is what Sector Alpha is like, I think I'll stay in Sector Omega for a while. I'd go even further away but there aren't any more letters in the Greek alphabet.

Slurpy: He ain't Kirby... not even close. After playing this weird, creepy game, you'll never go to your local 7-11 again.

Super Cobra: Why does nearly every home version of this game suck nads? Why did it take nearly twenty years for Konami themselves to do it justice on the Playstation?

Telly Turtle: The official programming language of the mentally handicapped comes to the ColecoVision. Bet you're feeling pretty stupid right now for making fun of Basic Programming on the 2600...

Tomarc the Barbarian: You can take the Thundarr out of the Barbarian, but you can't take the suck out of this poorly designed game, formerly based on the futuristic cartoon. There are two play styles... and both of them are lousy!

The Yolk's On You: So bad even the creators of Joe Millionaire and Celebrity Boxing wouldn't release it.

JR

[ManekiNeko]

Hello? (tap tap)
This thing on?

JR

[Arqueologia_Digital]

James bond
Dance fantasy
Dr. Seuss and all educative games... :/

[Vic George 2K3]

Ken Uston Blackjack and Poker: Ken's life must have hit rock bottom when he stamped his name on this extremely limited poker sim. I guess his only other option for earning money at this point was sucking coins from the love tester machine at his local bar...


Ken Uston at that point in time already made a name for himself in videogames writing the Mastering Pac-Man book in addition to a few others that covered other arcade games and home video game systems of the early 1980s.

[wberdan]

i must say that ken ustons colecovision game tought me how to play, and i spent a LOT of time on that one...
its not so bad, definetely not as bad as the list i made earlier..

[Aswald]

Ken Uston's Blackjack/Poker is actually quite nifty, as far as it goes. It really gets good when several people play, and rules are established: minimum bets, maximum bets, play to a certain amount in order to win...such "open" games are love them or hate them. But everything in Blackjack is present and accounted for.

Games I don't like at all:

Subroc- Shoddy graphics, poor collision detection, sputtering gameplay...

Time Pilot- Questionable collision detection, lack of a screen, choppy scrolling.

Q*Bert's Qubes- Sure, it has great graphics, movement, and sound, but it has zero challenge.

Star Wars- Missing too much, and very little challenge.

Evolution- Looks like the sort of game a beginner on a Vic-20 would program.

Dam Busters- Looks rushed out. There's a lot to like here, but too much is wrong. Doesn't compare to B-17 Bomber.

Buck Roger's Planet of Zoom- Looks great in a still shot, but sputtering movement, predictability, lack of challenge, and the fact that too much is missing ruins it.

Montezuma's Revenge- I beat this game in less than a week.

Miner 2049er- Inferior to the Atari computer version.

Victory- Rushed out, incomplete, lousy graphics...what about the "CBS" version?

Defender- Lousy graphics, almost no challenge, get Nova Blast instead.

Galaxian- Because it proved how much better Defender, Centipede, and Jungle Hunt could've been.

Super Donkey Kong- A total sham. The Supergame module version wasn't going to be much better, and Opcode's version not only will blow it away, it will do so WITHOUT a "supergame" module- something which wasn't even necessary.

Space Fury- Obviously, the marketers actually believed that "nobody" liked vector games. The graphics and colors are terrible, and, since only 3 enemies can be on-screen and incomplete aliens do not chase you, the gameplay is really poor.

Omega Race- Plays and sounds well enough, but those HORRIBLE graphics ruins it.

[Tempest]

Q*Bert's Qubes- Sure, it has great graphics, movement, and sound, but it has zero challenge.

Zero challenge? Have you played past the first few levels? It gets VERY challenging...

Tempest

[Raccoon Lad]

Hmmm...I kinda like Logic levels.

And Star Wars would have been awesome if the controll didn't suck so badly.

[Aswald]

Yes. Unlike Q*Bert, it's easy to evade the enemies, especially since you can get rid of Rat-a-tat at any time. In fact, you can stay on a board as long as you like, slowly building up your score. Q*Bert was much better, in spite of its inferior cosmetics- you HAD to finish as quickly as possible, or Coily would get you.

Thre isn't any place you can be cornered. And there's no equivalent of Ugg and Wrongway.

[Lady Jaye]

I have to agree with Tempest and Manikeniko regarding Brain Strainers (a very, very slow version of Simon) and Telly Turtle (which has the unfortunate chance of reminding me of the Goto stuff I did in grade 5).

[opcode]

Games I don't like at all:

Time Pilot- Questionable collision detection, lack of a screen, choppy scrolling.



Uhm... I think it isn't the best possible conversion, but it isn't this bad too...



Star Wars- Missing too much, and very little challenge.


Some games should never been tried on some platforms...



Defender- Lousy graphics, almost no challenge, get Nova Blast instead.

Galaxian- Because it proved how much better Defender, Centipede, and Jungle Hunt could've been.


I must disagree here: IMHO Atarisoft was the best softhouse producing CV games.
Ok, Defender was the weakest one, but it was so because Williams games don't translate well for the CV kind of graphics (non-bitmapped). (Robotron would be another very difficult one to port for this machine...)
Galaxian is spot on, Centipede is very good. Jungle Hunt is a so so arcade game to start with, so...
Joust, Pac-Man, Moon Patrol and Dig-Dug, ever think aren't finished, look very promising.



Super Donkey Kong- A total sham. The Supergame module version wasn't going to be much better, and Opcode's version not only will blow it away, it will do so WITHOUT a "supergame" module- something which wasn't even necessary.

Hehe... Are you trying to get a copy of SIC for free, Aswald? :-D You are tempting me to show things I don't want to show till PhillyClassic... I must... resist.... :P
Seriously, DKC (DK Collection, not DK Country :) ), will use extra RAM and bankswitching. While it isn't a supergame module per si, it will be expanding the CV capabilities...


Omega Race- Plays and sounds well enough, but those HORRIBLE graphics ruins it.

It's funny the way some Coleco games were ported. It looked like the programmer was assigned to the task, took a trip to the nearest arcade, played a few hours of the aimed game, went back home and started to program the port... It is ever worst than visual inspection programming. Seems more like "by memory" programming. Like, "ok, if I remember well, enemies had this shape, there was a wall here...". What a shame...

Eduardo

[Aswald]

To be fair, programmers back then had to deal with things that homebrewers don't, such as...

*The ColecoVision was a 32K ROM system, yet they were often ordered to go no further than, say, 16K.

*They had to work under tight schedules, often concocted by clueless bosses. Just ask the programmer of the 2600 "E.T."

*In the case of Coleco, in 1983 they released the disasterous ADAM computer. This meant that work and resources had to be divided up.

*Clueless bosses: "Oh, gamers don't like vector graphics, so do it this way!"

Programmer: "But, Star Wars, Asteroids, Tempest, and Space Fury are some of the hottest games out there!"

Clueless Boss: "Our Marketing Research says that they are NOT popular!"

(Later, in 1984, the unemployed programmer discovers that the "research" consisted of hearing a single anecdote about a technician or other who allegedly said "Anything vector can do, raster can do- usually better!")


I've spoken to a number of former Coleco employees, and man, some of what they had to say sounds like something out of "Dilbert."


Look at games by John Dondzila, Newcoleco, Opcode, Kevin Horton, and others- to all you bosses obsessed with exact schedules, KINDLY GIVE YOUR EMPLOYEES (e.g. programmers) ENOUGH TIME TO DO WHAT THEY KNOW MUST BE DONE!

[opcode]

I've spoken to a number of former Coleco employees, and man, some of what they had to say sounds like something out of "Dilbert."


Really?! It would be nice to talk to some of those guys... Have you already thought about interviewing some of them... I just can't remember any CV programmer interview.

Eduardo Mello

[Aswald]

There were a couple in a shop in Herkimer...if they're still there, I could ask them. What questions would you like me to ask?

[Gamemaster_ca_2003]

Here's a bunch of worth candidates:
Tutankham (worst scrolling on the CV EVER!)

Yes it does have bad scrolling but the game is great besides that.

[Jorpho]

smurf pain & play

Now that's funny!

Compared to the version of Buck Rodgers that every other console got (i.e., the version made by Sega), the CV version isn't so bad. (It still pales in comparison to the arcade and ADAM versions, of course.)

[devilman]

It's Only Rock 'n Roll: Horror of horrors, there's actually a sequel of this on the Amiga computer called "Rock Star Ate My Hamster". Fortunately, that's got more charm and funny celebrity charicatures (if not much else).


Damn.. you've got me curious now.. I'd be very surprised if the two games are linked. Has anyone got more info on 'It's only Rock n Roll'? It's just that there was an early Spectrum game with the same title which featured a random lyric generator and an animated concert - I'm wondering if they're related?

Rock Star Ate My Hamster started out on the 8-bits (Spectrum, C64 and probably Amstrad) and a tarted up version was done for the 16 bits. I actually quite like the game and put a fair bit of time into it. It was rather limited (although for the Spectrum, it was kinda understandable considering the limitations of the machine) but still fun for a while.

[Tetsu]

Surely you jest, good sir. Beamrider was by no means a bad game. It was a fast paced action game (programmed by David Rolfe, I believe) that had the Activision feel all over it. Furthermore, the graphics and sound were about 15% than the Atari version. I urge you to give it another chance.