attention space pilots: stop calling me
(this message inspired by Battlestar Galactica and just about every other space combat sim made in the last 10 years)
ATTENTION SPACE PILOTS:
I consider myself a capable pilot. I assure you that I am reading the mission objectives that pop up during the loading sequence. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me on the radio trying to tell me what to do. I would rather concentrate on fighting the enemy. It would be especially helpful if you would not pop up in a window with your messages. I don't know whose idea it was to install these cameras in the cockpits of the space craft...perhaps that money could be spent on extra missiles instead.
Please refrain from interrupting me with any of the following messages:
"Engage the enemy":
If I am clearly chasing the enemy vessels and firing weapons 80 times per minute, this message is hardly necessary.
"We need help here":
If you need help then maybe you should contact my wingmen instead of me, as they clearly need to step it up a bit. And isn't there something else you could be doing rather than calling me?
"We're under attack":
Gee, what tipped you off?
"What are you doing out there?":
Apparently you can contact me whenever you darn well please, but I have no way to respond to these questions. And if I could, I think I'd be a little too busy fending off dozens of alien craft.
"Whose side are you on?"/"Watch your fire!"
Having already destroyed about 60 enemy fighters and single-handedly blowing 6 capital ships to Kingdom Come in the course of 8 successful missions, I am a little offended by these comments. Instead of telling me to watch my fire, you may instead cease flying in front of my ship while I am continuously discharging weapons for 18 minutes. Just a suggestion.
"You've got new orders...take out those fighters."
I know we're striving for realism here, but my old orders were to take out those fighters.
"We're taking a lot of damage here."
That's because you're being swarmed by 40 alien craft, and for some reason only sent myself and my two wingmen to fight them off. Next time, send 40 of us, or better yet, 80!
"Got him!"
These types of phrases are usually broadcast by over-zealous wingmen who forget we are in the vast expanse of space; therefore, I usually have no idea what you're talking about. Since in the course of a mission I destroy between 15-40 enemy craft, the destruction of one is hardly reason to celebrate.
"YEEEAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
These messages are especially distasteful. Do me a favor; if you are being destroyed, spend the last few seconds of your life thinking about your loved ones or saying a prayer instead of calling me on the radio to scream in my ears. I would be especially appreciative if you would not send a video of yourself being consumed by flames. I would like to know why the radio and video cam systems continue to operate flawlessly while the ship explodes in a ball of fire.
ATTENTION ENEMY PILOTS:
There is no reason for you to contact me under any circumstance. Shouldn't your transmissions be on a different frequency? I don't see how it benefits you to make your plans known to us by transmitting video to my cockpit. Speaking of your plans, "Destroy them!" and "Wipe them out!" are really weak, and probably the reason even a poor pilot can wipe out your first three waves of about 30 ships each. Also, are you aware that your craft are transmitting video to my craft upon their destruction? Sure, it gives me a big confidence boost to witness firsthand the fiery, screaming death of my mortal enemy, but only once or twice. Perhaps you could use those resources for another technology, such as superior shield capabilities. Do you ever wonder why it takes more than three dozen direct hits with lasers and torpedos to destroy my fighter? Something to think about....
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Originally Posted by digitalpress
