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Thread: DP Industries: APPLY WITHIN

  1. #1
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    Default DP Industries: APPLY WITHIN

    We are now accepting applications for the position outlined below. Please follow the appropriate procedure.

    TITLE: Washroom Attendant
    GRADE LEVEL: 2
    SALARY: 65,000/year
    RESPONSIBILITIES: Candidate must be proven, responsible, professional with no less than 4 previous years as a washroom attendant and/or hotel concierge. Understanding of various colognes, aftershaves, and cuban cigars a plus. Strong verbal communication skills mandatory. Knowledge of local sports teams, current events, and pay-per-view events preferable.
    REPORTS TO: VP of DP Industries, Ms. Achika.

    To apply, please post your qualifications here. You must describe why you feel YOU are the best candidate for this job. Cutting your opponents down in the process is not only tactical, but highly regarded by senior management.

    Thank you for your interest in DP Industries, Inc. where "the holidays" are when certain religious-types are finally brought to light and their services are no longer required.

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    Peach (Level 3)
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    wow 65,00 and i get to talk to achika. i better make this resume good.

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    Great Puma (Level 12) Achika's Avatar
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    Mr. B. Superb,

    Please remember to correct typos and proof-read your resume before submitting. Mistakes simply cannot be accepted in this company. We will not be so forgiving when contemplating your employment.

    Achika

    DP Industries: Where each employee receives a lump of coal for "toy day".

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    Pac-Man (Level 10) Kid Fenris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Achika
    Mr. B. Superb,

    Please remember to correct typos and proof-read your resume before submitting. Mistakes simply cannot be accepted in this company. We will not be so forgiving when contemplating your employment.

    Achika

    DP Industries: Where each employee recieves a lump of coal for "toy day".
    Ms. Achika,

    It may interest you to know that you misspelled "receives" in the above correspondence.

    Thank you,


    K. Fenris

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    Cherry (Level 1)
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    Default Resume

    ROBOTRON
    Abandoned Crack House,
    Detroit, MI
    48213

    Dear Sir/Mam,
    I wish to apply for a position with your company...my qualifications and experience are listed below, I hope after reading this resume, we can arrange an interview.

    Thank you, ROBOTRON
    __________________________________________________ _
    Education: High skool drop out w/GED
    1 year of college U of M (University of Mugging) Major: Drug Sales

    Work Experience: Look-out for Little Boys Inc. (2 years)
    4 years @ Wayne County Jail (personal assistant to Bubba)
    and finally, I am currently employed as songwriter for EMINEM.

    I am very flexable, (Just ask Bubba) and ready to go to work in your washroom right away....Please hire me!

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    Apple (Level 5) Stark's Avatar
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    This is funny unless you are a washroom attendant. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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    Great Puma (Level 12) Achika's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kid Fenris
    Ms. Achika,

    It may interest you to know that you misspelled "receives" in the above correspondence.

    Thank you,


    K. Fenris
    Mr. K. Fenris,

    Please do not point out the mistakes of DP Industries superiors. For this, all future submissions by you will be rejected and burned. Thank you for your interest in DP Industries.

    ~Achika

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    i am the undisputed washroom man around these parts. nobody can match my fast towel grabbing and fosset turning. i am told i am one of the best in the world. i currently make 100,000 a year, but i would be willing to take 65,000 a year just to work with such fine people. if you don't choose me, your company will continually be beaten in the annual washroom olympics, since i am the undefeated, 10 year reigning champion. :grin:

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    Strawberry (Level 2)
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    I would like to take the time to apply for this position. There is nothing that brings me more joy then attacking a clogged toilet with a plunger. I am the fastest draw with a can of air freshener then any other Washroom Attendant that has come before. I have the can out spraying at the first sound of anal escapage. I am also very dedicated, I have on a number of occasions surrendered my socks to needy patrons when they ran out of TP. Although I have had some problems, I was fired from my last job for knocking out a patron who refused to wash his hands after relieving himself. I also study with former president Bill Clinton, which has provided me with extensive knowledge of colognes and aftershaves, he got lost of gifts from interns, not to mention all the skills I have acquired with Cuban cigars. Not only do I have strong communication skills, I also know when to be quiet, Some people are shy and sometimes cant get started, when someone is talking to them,
    Thank You for this opportunity for applying for your company, and references needed will be provided apon request

  10. #10
    Great Puma (Level 12) Tempest's Avatar
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    You had me until "Candidate must be proven, responsible, professional "

    Oh well...

    Tempest

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    I say dan2357 is a wus for needing a plunger. I can fish a white rat out of a dunnie in the ladies room by hand and be back to the mens room before your former president wakes up from the beating I just gave him!

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    Strawberry (Level 2)
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    Savedman were are talking about a professional environment here, so yes I would use a plunger, Besides how the hell do you fit your hand down the there? But then again if I do get hired I suppose I can bring you on as an assistant for just such occasion. I could hold you by your feet and lower you down into the bowl and have you suck out the blockage...............

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    Great Puma (Level 12) Achika's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dan2357
    Savedman were are talking about a professional environment here, so yes I would use a plunger, Besides how the hell do you fit your hand down the there? But then again if I do get hired I suppose I can bring you on as an assistant for just such occasion. I could hold you by your feet and lower you down into the bowl and have you suck out the blockage...............
    Dear Mr. Dan2357,

    If you recall, this position is for one washroom attendant. If you plan on recruiting assistants, please do so out of your own salary, as we do not intend to hire a full union. Also note, that all supplies and plungers will be available for your use in the outhouse, er, lavatory.

    ~Ms. Achika

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    Apple (Level 5) Savedman's Avatar
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    I suppose assistant wouldn't be so bad. I'm all about teamwork! Any job where I could see ACHIKA every day can't be all bad!

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    Default Re:

    Sure, why not.

    Official Resume of portnoyd

    Qualifications:
    1. Has Enormis PeNiS.
    2. Has ENORMIS PNS.
    3. See #1 and #2. Isn't that all you need, baby?

    Education:
    1. Educated in the fine, fine art of the humpty dance.
    2. Knows how it's done.
    3. Has a PhD in 'Tang.

    Skills:
    1. Skilled at laying pipe.
    2. Quite skilled with the broomhandle, in my pants.

    Mwhahahahahaha, I rule.

    dave

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    ServBot (Level 11) k8track's Avatar
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    Default hey yo

    Well, for years my dad was the janitor at my old grade school, so I guess that makes me a "legacy".

    Am I in?

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    Does the job entitle writing vague clues on the walls like in Resident Evil?
    My Gaming Collection (Now at Google Drive!)

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    Washroom attendant? Feh, I'm a natural. I've already had to deal with overflowing turd-filled toilets at my current job, this should be a piece of cake.

    Oh, and I'm also not afraid to get down and dirty, one way or another.

    Kristine
    "I am way too lesbian for that shit."

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    Apple (Level 5)
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    Everyone knows that the best washroom attendants are English. That way you can ask me if I've had tea with the queen every time you see me. And I can reply in a sarcastic way thats so english, ou won't be able to tell the difference.

    Oh, and I can touch my right ear by putting my right arm all the way around my neck.
    Conform. Consume. Obey.

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