Alien Menace Story Contest

[neotokeo2001]

ALIEN MENACE CONTEST

You pilot a Star Fighter over what is left of your Homeworld. The attack came so fast that you are the only fighter that was able to get airbourne, no one else survived!!!
It's just you and them.
Wipe out the ALIEN MENACE and take your revenge!!


Welcome to the world of Alien Menace. There is not much to it is there?
Well, That's where you come in.

* Who or What is the Alien Menace??

* Who are you and why do you pilot a Star Fighter??

* What World is this anyway??




Write a Short Story based on the Alien Menace premise. There are no restrictions to length or content. Let your imagination go wild!!

There will be One(1) Grand Prize Winner who will recieve:

* A copy of Alien Menace on Cartridge with an Instruction Manual with your story.



* And a Alien Menace Elite Pilot T-Shirt



Two(2) Runner-Up entries will recieve a Alien Menace Elite Pilot T-Shirt.

ALIEN MENACE CONTEST RULES

* Contest Deadline is Midnight 01-31-2005

* Enter as many times as you like.

* Original stories only.

* Enter by posting your story in this thread or by e-mailing it to me.

Download a WIP BIN File here:
http://atariage.com/forums/download.php?id=33918

Alien Menace Contest Page:
http://home.bellsouth.net/p/s/commun...eid=189491&ck=

[neotokeo2001]

First Entry from The Evil Ned:

The Alien Menace

A brillant beam of light slashes thru the window piercing the darkness within. Looks like you slept late today. Getting out of bed you move over to the window to look upon the new day. It's going to be a good day, You are off duty and have decided to head to the mountains for some good ol' Mother Nature.
You are a Wing Captain for the Atarian Space Raptors, a ten ship Air/Space Defense Unit assigned to this planet. Ah yes, This Planet, What a Planet it is. When you were assigned the Wing Command here you had never heard of Sarius, Now you can't imagine ever having to leave. You have found your paradise.
The local people, The Sarians, are Aerospace Engineering Wiz's. As a matter of fact they designed the Intercepters that the Space Raptors use thruout the Galaxy. It's weird, They design these top of the line Space Intercepters but they can never use them. The Sarians have an anatomy that can't handle pressure changes or G-Forces. I guess thats what happens when you are a Giant Amoeba. I am sure someday they will overcome that with some improved type of inertial dampaner or something. Great people but it's really weird watching them eat. They just kind of flow over it and then you can see it floating inside them. And I wish they had faces.

You head over to the Command Center to check up on the latest scans. There has not been any activity in this sector for years but you never know. Best to take a look before you head out on your trip. Raptor Nine and Raptor Six should be reporting in soon from their deep system patrol. You notice that Sensor Delta Five is not transmitting. Delta Five?? That is the most remote sensor in the net. They are assigned so that Alpha One thru Five are the closest and Delta One thru Five are on the outskirts of the Sector. You send a message burst to have Raptors Nine and Six check it out. They send a burst back that reports all clear on their patrol. They will check out Delta Five and then head back in. Everybody else has their duties for the day so you give a wave to the Sarian Tech on duty and head out for your day of Rest and Recharging.

Go ahead Raptor Six and check out the sensor. I'll stay back here and monitor the area. Wait!! Raptor Six!! Something just blipped on my scanner. Oh My God!!!! Where did they come from?? Raptor Six!!! Rapt...........

You climb into your ASR Intercepter and head for the mountains. You never get over how beautiful this planet is. The Sarians may be the best Space Engineers in the Galaxy but you would never be able to tell from this view. They live in concert with nature. No ugly factories, Heck, I can't even see where most of them live. This is just what I needed, Peace and quiet.

Mmmm, I must have dozed off. What's that noise?? It sounds like the base warning siren. It must be a test, If it was a real alarm someone who have notified me on the communicator.
Beeb beeb beeb....Captain!! Come in Captain!!! We have lost contact with the Deep System Patrol. Also we have lost communication with sensors Delta Five thru Beta Two. Wait...
Correction. We have lost contact with all sensors thru Alpha Three!!! Captain, We only have two sensors left! Sir we do not have any contacts on long range scan. I don't know what is going on.....Hold On....Captain! Multiple contacts now on the scanners! Damn. They are moving fast. We just lost the last two sensors. Red Alert!!! I am scrambling the rest of the Wing. You had better get airbourne Captain!

You race back towards your Interceptor. You look up toward the sky and see dozens of entry burns lighting up the sky. Who are they? No one has ships that fast! In the distance you can hear the soft rumble of a battle. The base is being attacked. You jump into the cockpit and get airbourne. Your scanners are confusing. Sometimes you have contacts but then they just disappear. There they are again. Suddenly the sky around you explodes!! So much for your Peace and Quiet...

The air around you is filled with strange Alien Craft. Let's see if they can outrun my lasers! Hahaa. Smoked em' Only a thousand or so more. As your clear the mountain you see the base. Man, They took a bad hit. I had better meet up with the rest of the Wing. This is Wing Captain, Raptors Report!

Wing Captain! This is Raptor Four. Captain, They are all gone. We are the only two Raptors left. Most of the Wing did'nt even get off of the ground. Captain, How did they get here without us knowing? I am having a hard time getting a lock on them with my sensors. I think they have some sort of cloak or shield that screws up our scanners. Ahhhhhh, They are all over me! I don't know how much longer I can last!!

Raptor Four! I am only a few minutes away. Hold on. I am coming. I will meet you at the Northern Perimeter Airspace.

OK Wing Captain. I am going to try to shake some of these guys off of me. I am heading into the forest. I must have shot down forty of these guys but they just keep coming.

WoooWoooWooo. Wing Captain! I am running low on fuel. Damn ground crew. These tanks were to be filled and ready at all times. Just lost my main thrusters, Maneuvering jets only. Here they come!!! Look at all of them! Wing Captain!! Who are they? I am taking a lot of damage. Interceptor no longer responding........ Dad!! Tell Mom that I am sorry....
Dad!! I lov.................

Raptor Four!!! Son!!! Come in!
Silence is the only answer.

I don't know who these bastards are, But they are going to pay!
Bloody Hell, THEY WILL PAY!!!.........

To be continued...

[neotokeo2001]

Entry from Mindfield:

They were all dead.

Somehow, it was different when it was the enemy. That was the job -- killing the Kryll. One or a hundred of them, it didn't matter; they all looked the same when their corpses littered the ground, and you were glad to see it. It meant you were earning your paycheque. But that was on their world, sectors away; a universe apart on every concievable level. When the smoke cleared and your shift was over, you dug yourself out from the rubble and took your ship back to the home you knew waited for you. Back to Earth. Back to your family.

Everything was fine as long as things stayed that way. Sure, there was always the danger that you'd be wounded or killed in action. Nobody said working for the OMC was a safe job. We were marines, with all of the perks and dangers that went with the title. The Outer Marine Corps provided well, though. Heavy armor and even heavier ordnance. The Kryll were no match for our technology. What they lacked in weaponry they made up for in every other area: Speed, cunning, determination, and most alarmingly, numbers.

Krylian, their homeworld, was a good three times the size of Earth, and the Kryll seemed to fill every land mass almost to overflowing; there were tens of billions of them. Their cities, primitive by comparison, sprawled across the planet to the point where there simply wasn't any more land to build on. That's how we found them -- or rather, they found us. They had grown so numerous that their world faced famine and death unless they found new habitable digs to settle on. Obviously they weren't very good urban planners or they would have done that long ago.

But that's how their problem became ours. It had begun as peaceful talks with their assembled consuls. They wanted to emigrate to Earth. We would have none of it; Earth was pretty crowded as it was, and we certainly had no room for Kryll in the numbers they were talking about. The Kryll disagreed, though. Earth still brimmed with untouched wilderness, desert and forest land that, properly terraformed, could serve the purpose ideally. The Kryll had no love for nature; theirs was a life of survival and it left no room for such trivialities as art or beauty. It was at that point that the talks broke down and the Kryll recalled their emissaries, seeming to withdraw all of their interest from Earth.

We should have known better. By our standards, the Kryll weren't what we would have called an advanced species, but they were desperate. Desperation makes for an unpredictable and very dangerous adversary. That one fateful day, our routine mission through their sector met a not-so-routine Kryll sortie bent on our destruction. We were caught off-guard. Their fighters were poorly armed, and we managed to make quick work of them, but not before I lost three of my best wingmen. We limped home to report our misadventure.

That's how it all started, now three years past. The war waged steadily, but all we managed to do is staunch the flow. Their numbers were such that they could build ships and weaponry just as fast as we could destroy it. Worse, they just seemed to grow more desperate every day, and the more of our fighters they downed the more they were able to study and ultimately reproduce our own technology. By the day they became more fearsome foes while their numbers didn't diminish appreciably. They became a cancer, yet we have been little more than a daily chemo treatment. Our only saving grace was that they had yet to figure out how to reproduce a StellarDrive engine. Their range was limited to their own sector without it. It was only a matter of time before they did, of course -- that inevitability was what drove our own technologists to devise better weaponry so that we might defeat them before this happened. We figured there was time yet.

But we underestimated them. They weren't dumb. They had scientists of their own, and the war had done them the favour of handing our technology over to their scientists to be reverse-engineered. It might have been a mystery to them in the beginning, but any puzzle can be solved given enough time, thought and perseverence. Their desperation made them work all the harder to achieve that end. It followed then that the arrival of several hundred Kryllian battle cruisers in our sector caught us all completely unprepared. They materialized just beyond the Moon. There was no warning, no time to mobilize. Their attack pummeled the Earth from every direction. Their lack of familiarity with terrestrial geography made their targets random, but their numbers ensured a devastatingly effective strafe run. It was all I could do to dodge plasma bolts that made my hair stand on end and my skin feel like it was being peeled whole from my body. I was saved only by my proximity to my fighter. I hopped in and bolted like a rabbit with a gun to its tail. Pitching and yawing through enemy fire, I made my way to a nearby gorge where I landed and took refuge in a shallow cave until the dust cleared.

It seemed like forever, and yet but a heartbeat. When it was over, the silence crashed in like mute waves. It was absolute. It sounded like death. I got back into my fighter and flew out of the gorge, back to the base. Suddenly I didn't feel so lucky; the base lay in utter ruins. Neither structure nor craft survived the barrage. It lay flattened and smouldering, looking nothing so much like the shockwave from a nuclear bomb had swept over, leaving a path of charred debris and twisted metal in its wake.

They were all dead. All of them. My CO. My platoon. My friends.

My family.

It was overwhelming. There was just too much to process. My soul just couldn't handle it. I felt something inside of me fade and die, like an ember consuming its last meal. Smoky debris lay all around me, in front of me, beneath my feet -- inside me. The world tasted like ashes. I looked up. The cruisers had departed -- presumably moving on to other locations, other targets. The sky was clear. The stars twinkled between streamers of acrid smoke. Stars that brought death upon the world this night. Throughout my life there were always choices to be made, paths to take. You pick the one you think will lead you to where you want to be. Sometimes it's the right path, others, not. Now it seemed as though every path I had taken, every path that lay before me, all merged into one. One path. One choice.

I walked back to my fighter, oddly serene in the face of such shocking tragedy. I didn't need the instrumentation of my craft to plot my course. It was already set. My actions now were predetermined. There was no going back -- there was nothing to go back to. There was only now, and the hope of a future. It was mad, of course. To think that I stood any chance at all was absurdity of the highest order. It didn't matter. None of it mattered anymore. I was all that was left. The decision was never mine to make. The path was clear.

I would kill every last one of them.

[neotokeo2001]

Entry from Gmblr172:

Alien Menace

Introduction:
You live on the Atari Empire Planet.Everybody on the planet lives in peace
and collects Atari cartridges and items.Everything could be so nice,but
the evil Commodore Aliens are very jealous,about the big collection of the
Atarians and attack the planet.As one of the few survivors,you grab your
Atari collection,put it in your Starfighter and try to safe it from the bad and
ugly Commodores.You must esacape.The future of Atari lies in your hands.
Try to rescue the Atari collection or Atari will be lost forever.But the Commodores
are very strong and your way is very long.

[Cauterize]

Neo, no offence mate but you did it again, you posted current entries, im sure u would get a lot more if you didnt post them!
I looked at this and thought, ah cool another competition, but when i saw how long one of the descriptions was i realsied how little time i actually have (And how bad my english and grammar is!) making me not enter...

Its up to you how you run it, but personalyl i think the best way is to keep them hidden

[neotokeo2001]

Neo, no offence mate but you did it again, you posted current entries, im sure u would get a lot more if you didnt post them!
I looked at this and thought, ah cool another competition, but when i saw how long one of the descriptions was i realsied how little time i actually have (And how bad my english and grammar is!) making me not enter...

Its up to you how you run it, but personalyl i think the best way is to keep them hidden

I have never really thought of it that way. I get so excited with the entries that I can't wait to post them. I can see your point about someone getting discouraged.

I may have an idea how to encourage entries. Only an idea, Let me know what you guys think.

The winning entry will recieve a special foil label version of the game as well as the Elite Pilot T-Shirt. The Two(2) Runner-ups recieve the Elite Pilot T-Shirt as well.
Everyone that enters can purchase a normal cartridge at cost. Every entry will be printed in a "Tales of the Alien Menace" supplement to the Instruction Manual that will be included with all copies of the game.

Good Idea?? Or should the cartridge remain exclusive to the winner?

[Cauterize]

its totally your choice!
when i saw this i was thinking of writing a few paragraphs, but theres no way they could compete with some of those entries!

Keep up the hard work thou, your doing great!

Also who won the Wolfenstien comp? DaveD?

[neotokeo2001]

its totally your choice!
when i saw this i was thinking of writing a few paragraphs, but theres no way they could compete with some of those entries!

Keep up the hard work thou, your doing great!

Also who won the Wolfenstien comp? DaveD?

I'll have to think about it for a few days. Even selling the carts at cost I still take a loss on each one.

For the Wolfenstein Contest, I am waiting to hear from Packrat Videogames to announce the winner.

[neotokeo2001]

From Mindfield at Atariage:

Personally I don't really see what the big deal is.

Poor grammar can be copy-edited. It's the spirit of the story that's important, after all; it wouldn't make sense to let a good story go to waste because you may not have the same literary dexterity to express it the way you want. Of course, that's up to the individual.

Most other contests here have been open like this -- label contests, for example. Sure, those who feel their skills are inferior to entries posted may be discouraged from entering, but there's one very important lesson I've learned from entering many Photoshop contests: Everyone has different tastes, and what's best in your opinion may in no way reflect the opinions of the masses -- or, in this case, of the one running this contest.

How about this: Everyone, post your entries no matter how bad you think your grammar/spelling are. Like I said, it's the spirit of the story that ultimately matters. If Neo picks one the author feels falls into this category, I'll offer my services to restructure it (assuming the author feels my own skills are up to the task ) and work with the author until (s)he's satisfied that it's the way (s)he wanted to express it.

That, at least, is another alternative.

[GameNinja]

Here's mine! I had a lot of fun writing it.


The human race was once in a state of progress and development. It was 1969 and man went where they shouldn’t have gone; the moon. It was a great achievement at the time; people saw a whole new world open before their eyes. Books were published about travels to mars and what we may find there. What if there were aliens, what if they were hostile? The theories spread like fire and were then forgotten. The fear did not resurface again until the year 2031, the year everything changed.

It was unknown at the time, but when the astronauts first returned from the moon, they did not return alone. Tiny parasitic organisms attached themselves to the suits, and were exposed to the rest of the earth. They then infected any living creature they could find, and they found plenty. They were not lethal, yet they were intelligent and began to take control of people and animal minds alike. The effects were not immediate, the host lost control slowly, and the outward appearance of the infected never changed, the parasites stayed in wait. In the year 2031, the alien menace felt they had control of enough of the population and thus they took complete control of their hosts. People and animals changed around the globe into grotesque figures, the true forms of the alien parasites. They immediately started building weapons and spaceships. Their plan of domination would have succeeded if they had not overlooked an important factor: the will of humans to survive.

After the initial attack, less than 2% of the world’s population survived. The remaining few went into hiding in the arctic North Pole, and that is where I was born. The only life I knew was that of hate toward the aliens. The sole focus of our dying race was to destroy them at all costs….

The year is now 2064 and we have developed our first glimmer of hope, the Star Fighter. It is a spaceship of immense destructive power, and also our only weapon against the aliens. I was lucky enough to be chosen as the pilot for the prototype. During my first test flight, disaster struck once again. My communications link was cut off from the base, the last words I heard were the anguished screams of the commander, my father. The aliens had made an attack on the last human stronghold while I was in space. I have nothing left to do except avenge the death of the human civilization, I must destroy the alien menace…

[neotokeo2001]

Some great stories so far. Looking forward to more.

For now I have decided to stick with the original rules and only have 1 Winner with 2 Runner-Ups. I may still have the cartridge offer for all entrants with the Stories of Alien Menace Book.

[neotokeo2001]

Entry from pmpddytim (Atariage):


The fact that you were the last surviving being on the planet didn't really bother you, you never really liked people anyways. It was that you were finally out of bologna and tater's that finally made you shine up that ol' straighter with some Armor All, apply some Crack Crème (it was going to be a long trip after all) and try to break through the barricade.

It wasn't going to be easy. Five of the closest planets had sent star fighters to keep the infected people of Mit on their diseased ball of dirt. It had been three decades since the plague had wiped out Mit but the barricade was still in effect, a lingering vestige of the old intergalactic empire.

It didn’t matter though. What was life with out bologna and taters? Nothing that’s what. Sure you could sit around and Armor All your Atari all day but without bologna and taters......... it just seemed empty.

That did it, you were going. But upon hopping in your trusty star fighter you realized it had been three decades since you had last piloted the ship. "The manual! I need the manual!" You shouted.

After drinking five beers out of your last six pack you set off to find them.

Three days later you found the tattered remains of the ships manual. Realizing that the yellowed paper would fall apart under the stress of space you decided to scan them into your ship computer. Making sure to put black paper behind each page so the other side wouldn't show through you carefully scanned each page into W.I.Z., your ships trusty computer. Finally you were ready to go.

Back in the cockpit of your star fighter you downed the last of you beer, threw the can in the back seat, and hit the launch button.

As the force of the rockets pushed you back in your seat you thought of the trails to come and how dangerous your mission would be. You showed no fear however, you just kept whispering to yourself........

"Give me bologna and taters or give me death."

[neotokeo2001]

Entry from Gmblr172:

Alien Menace

You are Lord Neo, ruler of the Hacker Universe. Everyone in the universe is very happy with you, because of your Super Hacks. But the evil lord Info from planet Gramia is very angry with you,because you hacked most of his Atari games. And to prevent you from hacking the remaining ones, he sends out his Alien hordes to stop your hacking forever. But some
friendly hackers warn you in time and you can prepare your Starfighter for a long journey. Equipped with your hacking belongings you must escape from the Alien Menace.

Be sure that the Atari 2600 Hack Community is with you.Try to get some fuel tanks from time to time and destroy the Alien Menace of Lord Info with your super laser.

[neotokeo2001]

1 week left......

[neotokeo2001]

Entry by Gmblr172:

Alien Menace

The gamers universe is very big. Hackers and programmers live in peace together. But this time,"Lord Acti" from planet Vision is not amused. Because,you,"Lord Neo" dare to hack his famous game "River Raid".
"Lord Acti"cannot forgive this big sin and wants to take revenge on you and the rest of the hacker world. So he lets your "Alien Menace" become reality and sends out hordes of evil aliens to destroy your planet and also your hacks. The destiny of the hackers lies in your hands. If "Lord Acti"can beat you it will be easy to beat the other hackers in the universe as well.
Your only chance is, to beat the evil aliens with your last fighter. Try to get the highscore and the hacker universe will be saved. If your mission fails all hackers will be lost and the atari 2600 players will never enjoy a hack again.

[neotokeo2001]

Deadline is Monday night at Midnight. 2 Days left.....

I was asked about the T-Shirt size. The shirt will be custom made in any of the following sizes:

Size...........Chest (inches)
----------------------------------
Small............ 34-36"
Medium.........38-40"
Large............42-44"
X-large..........46-48"
2X-large........50-52"
3X-large........54-56"
4X-large........58-60"

[neotokeo2001]

Ends tonight at midnight....

[neotokeo2001]

Entry from FireTiger:

You just got up an early Sunday morning at the new lunar base affectionatly known as "Pearl 2". Everyone was calm and relaxed, forget the huge war earth-side there is always something to fight about there; for now just watch earth rise and enjoy this assignment. As you wander the base to pick up your new multiprogram form a cute lieutenant you see the space radar picking up a set of blips pointing these out you are reminded that you are even less trained then the two boys that have been training on the crazy contraption for a week and that the lunar base is expecting a flight in of X-10 fighters today. You make your delivery and are heading through the launching bay, when suddenly the sun is blocked by a huge contingent of enemy fighters. Although the sun is not very big from lunar base and not scattered around in the thin atmosphere of the dome you know that means the attackers have somehow crossed the rest of the solar system unobserved, using the sun as a shield... now the lunar base is all that is between the earth ans destruction. You have already powered up your ship and gotten auto clearance to shoot thorough the oxygen shield in that part of the plastic dome when the unthinkable happens. Sirens go off all around you as you slip out of the thin shield that keeps the air breathable in you lunar temperature controlled paradise. The dome is ruptured multiple times by enemy fire, all but you are lost... its up to you to protect the borders of earth's sovereign space and avenge the destruction of your "Pearl".

[neotokeo2001]

Entry by gospeedde:


You climb slowly into consciousness, dazed and unsure of yourself. This is not a normal awakening, which can mean only one thing. Whatever happened must have been bad. You would prefer not to know what it was.

Then the automatic memory update kicks in, and what you want is no longer important. Memories stream back, flooding your sensory banks. Since you took a lot of damage, it is a complete update. It begins at First Awakening, when you were linked to your human partner. You feel once again the excitement of that merging, how amazing it was to have your consciousness expanded beyond mere data. His mind and your mind, working in perfect harmony.

The update goes on. There are mere months stored there, precious months of danger and risk, and happiness. You were the perfect team, able to do things together that no other ship could, rising quickly through the ranks.

All too soon, the date stamp reaches Last Awakening. At first, everything is fine. Hours of boredom pass as you fly slowly on your preset course. Then, with no warning at all, you are bathed in a terrible pain. It lasts only a few seconds, but that is long enough. When it is over it is immediately apparent that the beam that hit you was designed to kill all biological life on board. No one survived. Before slipping into blissful unconsciousness, you manage to do one last thing. You set a trace on the beam’s originating coordinates. Then the blackness takes you.

Update complete, though it has brought more questions than answers. You aren’t even sure how you managed to awaken. According to your prototype documentation, you are not supposed to be able to function without a human counterpart. Not that it is easy to stay conscious; it is a constant struggle to maintain any semblance of clarity. In human terms you are probably insane. Not that you care.

There are only three things that matter to you now. First, your partner has been killed and, according to such scanning as you’ve been able to do so far, so have all the other humans in the sector. Second, you know who killed them. And third, you are the only Star Fighter in existence, the only ship even remotely capable of functioning without a human pilot. It takes far less than a second for you to make the necessary decision. You bring the engines to life and move, slowly at first but with increasing speed, into the darker reaches of space. They will pay for what they have done. You will see to it.

[neotokeo2001]

Entry by ScicoSs:

Background) General Kane is Sir. His forces were completly annihilated when the Alien Menace attacked the planet. Something snapped in the General that day. Now he views himself as the Leader of the remaining Humans still alive. Read these papers, They may save your life.

Sir Quotes: "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". The second Amendment states this. This is a right the citizens of this Planet have had since the founding. It is the right that recognizes that people can defend their homes and persons against all aggressions. Sir knows our Founding Father's were wise. They foresaw the need of the individual to protect himself against alien encounters. An even more significant aspect of this constitutional right to bear arms is that it shows- not just to us, but to all lifeforms that this Planet is a free Planet.

When all citizens have the right to bear arms, a Planet is indeed free. Free to live. Free to worship. Free to not be anal probed after a long night of drinking tequila. Yes, some weapons invariably fall into the hands of the deranged. Sir says that is a risk we can live with. And is it not an even further deterrent to aliens if they do not know if the man that they are about to abduct may be an escaped mental patient with a 9mm strapped to his ankle? These wackos may kill honest people whilst on a rampage- but is it not also conceivable that they could also kill aliens in the crossfire? Sir believes that these fruitcakes may be the first line of defense against the alien menace. That is a brilliant idea that just came to Sir as he was writing... Why not create an elite brigade of loonies to act as shock troops to forestall any alien invasion? Most "normal" humans freeze like deer in the sights of Sir's Hummer when confronted with the unknown. The strange is normal to those maniacs. They may hold the key. Sir shall ponder this further… But now. No more digressions!

Where there are gun control laws, the alien abduction rates are high. Do you know what Planet has the highest rate of alien abductions per capita? Earth. Earth also has one of the most draconian gun control policies. Coincidence? Sir thinks not so. It is frightening to think that gun laws actually would help the alien menace. They assure aliens that the proposed victim will be unarmed and defenseless.

If you take away our arms, only the aliens will have weapons.


How to Survive an Alien Abduction:

1) Remain calm and don't panic! Aliens can sense fear. Show fear and you will have a long night of anal-probing ahead of you. Stay calm and you may yet escape with your sphincter intact.

2) Do not attempt to approach the craft. Sir should not have to warn you about this! However, Sir has heard of many "New Age" opinions that say that aliens are our friends and will aid us in reaching a "higher level of consciousness". Poppycock! Believe in this and you probably still believe in Santy Claus, the Tooth fairy, and the idea that Brittany Spears' boobies are natural.

3) Report the UFO sighting to a reputable UFO organization such as UFOFIGHT, CUFON, MUFON, CAUS or better yet, Sir himself. They will send an investigator (or Sir may come himself- please have tequila stocked ).

4) Take a picture- do not, do not use flash! If you do you will see nothing more than bright blobs of light. Besides- this pisses them off! You do not wish to piss off UFO people, not unless you can fight like Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Sir recommends the Polaroid View-master 750S- and not because Sir has an endorsement deal with them! It is the camera that most elite UFO/paranormal investigators use.

5) Note exact time of sighting- it is also useful to know this in case you are abducted and need to let your place of employment know how many sick days you were absent for.

6) Note anything unusual (besides the UFO knucklehead!)

7) Note related effects. These might include crop circles, mysterious burn marks on the ground, strange electrical effects, cow mutilations, or objects that defy the laws of gravity.

8 ) If approached by an alien, run or fight to the death! Very often aliens will use clever ruses to get you to lower your guard. Be wary if ANY alien asks you to take it to your leader. The alien bastards just flew a few thousand light years to get here- do really think they can't find their way to Sir without YOUR help?