While I was "waiting" for my machine to boot up, I pulled out four Genesis games I snagged a while back and decided I'd try one out quickly. Golden Axe...played that one to death already on my Nomad with a PAL cart - Golden Axe II...Herzog Zwei and Forgotten Worlds. Last two seemed good enough, but I figured I was in a "Tyris Mood."

Golden Axe II had other ideas!

I loaded the game, got the power connector to stay in contact and keep the current flowing (really finicky on this specific Genesis 2), and watched through one demo. Sort of read the story one more time, then hit Start.

I see two choices, Start and Options. Hit down on the D-pad. Nothing happens.

What's this, is Sega pulling some sort of NES garbage on me? I've played Golden Axe II, but only for The Duel portion (and that in an emulator), and in any case I know this is wrong for a Sega game. After hitting various parts of the d-pad in a futile gesture, I grudgingly give up and hit Start.

Same problems for character select, but at the moment I don't mind playing as The Barbarian too much.

Start the game. Yup - d-pad's broke! However, after mashing the buttons some I realize that I can swing my sword, jump, and - hey! I walked left a bit! Soon I figure out some of the directional movements have been mapped to mode and some of the letter buttons.

HILLARITY ENSUES!

My character - rather, I - stumble about the level a bit, manage to knock down some enemies almost by chance (never mind the ABC buttons are mapped like they should be) as I struggle with the diagonals. I manage to kill the boss, and wipe out his last two followers. I managed to do it with just one credit, barely needing the last one, and if I'd used my shoulder in place of the jump/swing attack I knew was hopeless...After that, I play through the bonus round, note my rating (6.5), shut off the machine and started writing this post.

Then I get an idea after taking a short break. What's that saying - I could fight you with one hand tied behind my back? This control setup effectively limits me to being "all thumbs," as I use my left thumb to walk right (Mode), and my right thumb for everything else (including upwards and downwards movement; needless to say these get neglected). Up to this point, I was playing as a good example of what the VG Cats comic refers to as "driving with your ass." However, I got smart, and played around a bit with the controls in the options menu. Very nice.

Breakdown: On a six-button pad, Golden Axe II controls like this. Right and left are Mode and X (backwards - the left one makes you travel right), up and down are Z and Y. Combat controls (ABC) are the same. I can only do two things at once, in the best case! Shoulder rushes become an instant favorite, though they were already.

This time I do a whole lot better, managing to switch directions quickly to send my shoulder rapidly into two attackers in quick succession, knocking them towards opposite sides of the screen (a staple tactic of Golden Axe players the world 'round). This time I improve my score to a 12.0 for the round, not bad.

Soon enough I'm doing the same thing against two minotaurs, making sure to knock 'em off quickly. Game starts going downhill before I reach the second real boss; after taking out his followers I figure out that if I rush past him, and immediately turn around, he'll line up with me horizontally and all I need to do is rush towards him once again and charge with my shoulder - or, most likely, execute too slow and end up on the ground once again. Along with some luck/persistence in scoring knockdowns when he was trying to get up - and a whole credit and a half - this strategy has won me the round.

I barely get into the next level, getting knocked off for good after getting caught between three purple guys and not using my jump attack (or diagonals).

FINAL SCORE:

28.3, well below the minimum of 40 to get more than a failing grade.

Ah well, maybe on my third try (ever)!

Anybody up for a challenge? I know a good place to look!