Cho Aniki: Seinaru no Densetsu
Want to wrestle? Build up! Cho Aniki: Seinaru no Densetsu for Playstation 2 features one of the catchiest, most surreal, and most homoerotic opening sequences of all time with its insane imagery and snappy rock and roll. Psikyo got ahold of the Cho Aniki license on the PS2, and they took all the practice they got in weirdness from Gunbird 2, ratcheted it up, and took their best shot at perpetuating a series known for its eccentricities more than its gameplay. So, how'd they do?
In this installment, your actual player character is a glob of "holy protein," and your shields and options are the mighty wrestling buddies and weight lifting pals who totally aren't all kinds of gay for each other, the all-powerful Adon and Samson. The game is a horizontally-scrolling shooter, and you start off by selecting what formation in which you would like your muscular man-meat shields to flank you, and then it's off to... whatever the hell it is that allows pissing enemies, spandex clad dancers, and flailing muscle trannies to flourish so well. Oh, and angry squids and fruit, because, you know. That's stuff and things for you.
The game is a passable if low-rent shooter, with generic yellow bullets, bland textures, and jagged edges. The game is not polished. What is polished, though, are two things. First, as mentioned, the opening. The theme song is funny, catchy, and absurd. It'll get in your head. What will scar you is the accompanying imagery of Adon and Samson wrestling in suggestive poses, dancing like Cossacks, and striking mad muscle poses while the camera zooms around their crotch areas. It's like a fever dream of a closeted pro wrestler who always wanted to grow plants out of his head, and it is amazing. My wife sat there speechless with a stunned look on her face during this, trying to figure out why her brain doesn't work anymore.
The second polished aspect of this masterwork is the implementation of the all-powerful men's beam. Adon and Samson have been known to channel their ultimate manliness into a mighty beam that annihilates all in its path. In this installment, Psikyo decided to use technology to create a whole new way to power and use the beam. You must rotate the right analog stick, which will cause you to stop shooting and start swiveling your hips like Rick Rude at pride fest. The faster you work the stick, the faster you flex and fill your meter. When you have enough energy, press R3, and... and... um... I cannot adequately describe the perverse, obscene, amazing spectacle that is the men's beam, but I'll use what words I can. Out of the gaping holes on top of their heads, what in prior games was a beam of energy now spews forth in a hot stream of white liquid. Yes, it's a powerful beam... at first... and then it starts to trickle off... and drip... and finally glob off at the end. Mind you, this is the result of the fiddling you did with the analog stick, and that's why I have this game: to watch the horrified smiles on the faces of friends when they realize that the essentially just pleasured a controller. It is disgusting. And a little magnificent. But definitely scarring.
Cho Aniki: Seinaru no Densetsu is a sloppy game with quirks so thoroughly Japanese that it is a wonderful tool to set a Japanophile straight. Although everything is technically implied and metaphorical, you know damn well what is going on, and it's disturbing. And funny. Don't buy it if you want a good shooter. Buy it if you have a friend who needs to be baffled and made to feel stupid for a minute. It's not a great game. It's not even a good game. It's pretty awesome, though.
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